Hey Chris Lee! I am glad to read that you resigned from the House of Representatives today. (Republican House Representative (NY-26) Chris Lee resigned after the web site Gawker published correspondence that he was pursing a woman on Craigslist who he was trying to date. He sent her a picture of himself naked from the waist up taken with his Blackberry and identified himself by his real name.) You are too stupid to be in Congress anyhow.
I am sure your wife and kids won’t be happy with this attempt at infidelity, but I won’t give you a hard time about that. There’s obviously a lot of it going on, and if infidelity made you deathly ill at least a quarter of Congress would be dead. No, you are just the latest hypocrite to be caught. The good news: at least you weren’t caught with your pants down, just your shirt off. The bad news: you failed Infidelity 101.
I mean, your stupidity was just breathless! If you want to screw around with another woman while married, start by using an alias. Particularly if you are a member of Congress, do not give your real name, well, at least not until you are so far in bed together (either actually or figuratively) that it really doesn’t matter. I am glad you learned about Craigslist. It shows you have an elementary grasp of this Internet thing. Now here’s another site you might want to check: Google. It’s a search engine. Type in anyone’s name and you can probably learn a lot about them. Since you are a politician, your name will be near the top of the rankings. That’s all it took for your potential paramour to smoke you out. Dumb. Really dumb.
Second, these search engines are also great at finding images of people. After searching on your name, click on that images link in Google. Notice anyone familiar? It doesn’t have to be Google. Bing, Yahoo and any search engine worth it’s salt will find your picture in three clicks or less.
Third, while married men trolling for single (generally younger) gals are nothing new, most of those who actually hope to succeed should probably be looking for an accomplice in crime. A single woman who is interested in you will soon smoke you out. It could be little clues like you are only available between 8 AM and 10 AM Monday thru Friday, or you never take them home to meet your Mom and Dad. A philandering politician with brains will probably not troll Craigslist for a woman in the first place. Instead, they will look for someone emotionally vulnerable conveniently right in the office. (Hint: check out your congressional interns and pages. It worked for Bill Clinton!) Failing that, they will seek out someone who also has something to lose: a married woman. In the infidelity business, double jeopardy is good. Yes, it’s possible her husband will come after you with a baseball bat while you are making whoopee, but them’s the breaks. (Hint: lock the door!) In short, in responding to a Woman seeking Man ad, perhaps you should have tried Craigslist’s Casual Encounters section instead.
Fourth, while Gawker did not publish your email address, it would be wise to not use your congress.gov email address. It might raise a suspicion when you declare yourself a divorced lobbyist that maybe you are not entirely honest.
Fifth, if you must send a picture of yourself, at least make yourself a bit hard to identify. Wear sunglasses or something. Photo matching is getting better every year, but your eyes give away your secret identity. If you must send a picture of your face, at least reduce it and use Photoshop so it renders a bit fuzzy.
Sixth, if you are a prominent person, understand that if you want to indulge in some philandering you will have to do it with people you know. Politicians usually have learned how to be charming. It’s time to pour on the charm with the women. You are reasonably handsome. With a little charm and a touch of innuendo, it’s very likely she would have made the first move. Then you could at least claim to have been emotionally vulnerable. You could blame it on the long hours or something. I’m sorry, but married politicians with any semblance of brains just don’t get to use Craigslist or any online dating service.
Now get to the back of the line. Take some comfort in that you are hardly alone, just the example of the moment. I don’t know if you actually succeeded or not, but if not then you can honestly say that technically you did not commit adultery. You can take your place at the end a long line of much more prominent politicians. Rest assured someone else will be behind you shortly. In fact, in a few weeks you will fade from our collective memory. When your wife ditches you, as she probably will, simply move out of state and pick up a different career. Even so in your newly single state, you might want to change your legal name. The good news is then you can post a legitimate ad in the Men seeking Woman section of Craigslist. Your brain may be defective but, hey, even I will acknowledge your nice abs.
(P.S. And thanks for giving me something to write about. I was having a brain fart.)