The Thinker

Oh, the humanity!

It is completely impossible to ignore Paris Hilton when she is in the news. I wish I could ignore her, but unfortunately, the media will not let me. They figure I want to know all about her tawdry little life as the exceedingly spoiled and obnoxious heiress of the Hilton estate. The latest vital news bulletin assaulting me on Yahoo! News is that after three days in the clink for violating the terms of her probation (driving on a suspended license) the Los Angeles County sheriff sent her home to serve her sentence because of an “unspecified medical condition”. To make sure she did not resume her habit of driving drunk or going 70 miles an hour without headlights in the dark on a 35 mile an hour road, she was required to wear an ankle bracelet and not leave her house. Now Paris is being hauled in front of the judge again to see if she should go back to jail. Of course, poor Paris, probably because of her unspecified “medical condition”, wanted to “phone in” her court hearing.

I did not want to know any of this. However, now that I know I want to fly to Los Angeles, find Paris and slap her on both cheeks. That might get me thrown into the clink too for assault, but it would be worth it. Maybe Paris and I can get adjoining cells. This is unlikely though. Because she is a celebrity and I am not she gets special treatment. She is housed in a special wing of the Los Angeles County jail for people like her. Lord knows that is punishment enough; interacting with ordinary lawbreakers would amount to cruel and unusual punishment, which is unconstitutional. One thing is for sure. Even if Paris and I were in jail together, the Los Angeles County sheriff would not be releasing me to home custody for an unspecified medical condition, despite my inflamed hangnail.

Yes, of course Paris should serve her 23-day sentence, which has already been cut in half from the original 45-day sentence. She should serve it to demonstrate that no one, including celebrities, is above the law. The reality of course is that with a few exceptions the rich and the famous do get a higher tier of, er, service from the judicial branch.

Most of us though when we are in the presence of a celebrity lose all sense of perspective, which is likely what happened to this sheriff. We are too awed simply being caught in their aura to impartially appraise them as fellow Homo sapiens. There is something about being a celebrity, or just plain beautiful, that interferes with our prefrontal cortexes. Celebrities of course know this. This is the one muscle they have that operates reflexively. So it is a natural law that they will use their talent, charm and ready reserves of cash to ensure they keep living in their artificial bubble, free from any kind of pain or inconvenience.

You have to understand that Paris is suffering, poor dear. She is used to five star hotels. Can you imagine the shame and humiliation of being sent to a common county jail and forced to sleep on a thin mattress? To make your own bed every morning? To be woken up at an inconvenient hour and being told when to do things like eat and take a shower? Oh, the humanity! Three days apparently was sufficient for her to feel total repentance. “I am going to serve the remaining 40 days of my sentence,” she said today. “I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes.”

Yes, she has learned that three days in jail is enough for a Hilton heiress, who should never have been subjected to such an indignity in the first place. The very idea! Not to fret. Even though she is at home, the remaining 37 days will be just as rough on her. After all, she cannot dash off on her private jet anytime she wants to for a while. She is limited to her tiny palatial estate, her toys, her closets full of shoes, her cell phone and her many airhead celebrity friends. Imagine the powerful lesson she will learn when she is forced to get up whenever she feels like it. Doubtless, she will be crying in shame when she takes those laps in her private pool.

However, I am all for an alternative sentence. I think Paris should spend her remaining 37 days, not in the Los Angeles County jail, but in Darfur. There she can do some community service, perhaps by handing out Giorgio Armani handbags to the raped and pillaged women who have to call these squalid and unsafe refugee camps home. For the children, DVD’s of the Telatubbies are in order. Bring many cases of Evian water, Paris. I am sure the women there will be quite grateful. It would be thoughtful to give them 50% off coupons for their next visit at a Hilton hotel or resort. Spread the love, Paris!

One thing going against her is that because she is a particularly obnoxious spoiled celebrity, American’s dander has been raised. Members of the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors report over 400 angry emails and hundreds of phone calls from the public all with one common theme: put that chick back in the clink! Paris should count her blessings. The days of the French Revolution are long past. Instead of a mob leading her to a guillotine, she just has to spend a few uncomfortable weeks on a thin mattress and then go back to her surreal opulent and spoiled life. Perhaps she can tell her harrowing story in a Barbara Walters exclusive interview.

I will be happy if she just serves out her tiny little sentence. I know that most celebrities will continue to get a different standard of justice than the rest of us. However, I am particularly grateful that this 26-year-old spoiled brat finally had her comeuppance, modest though it may be. She will soon be back living her bubble, but for a few weeks, she will have glimpsed an entirely new world called reality.


One Response to “Oh, the humanity!”

  1. 8:53 pm on June 8 2007, John Regan said:

    Excellent post. I feel very similar to how you feel concerning this issue. I think your punishment would be perfect. Maybe it would also bring our collective attention to the fact that there are people in this world who we should really be concerned with (the Darfur refugees, the Sudanese slaves, etc), not a spoiled heiress who lives for herself.

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